textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
