I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
