barbara walters just said penis...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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