Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
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But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
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I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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