My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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