I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
