4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
