the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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