At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
