you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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