I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
