I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
