My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
