stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
