I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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