I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
