So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
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I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
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Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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