FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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