I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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