someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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