fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
