today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
