i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just blew my weed a kiss
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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