I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
