I didn't shave. On purpose
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
