Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
