so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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