someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
