I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
