I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
