Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
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