I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
