My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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