you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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