It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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