I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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