While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
