yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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