theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
