i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
