he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
