we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
