I never want to see another naked old woman again.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The air taste purple.
Randomize
