It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
