I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
