oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
