the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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