mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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