To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
