o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
