Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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