Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
