Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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