i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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