So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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