My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
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An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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