so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
