Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
