i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
